letting go

I've been observing human behavior for the last 10 years, or 70, in human years. It's amazing they can have relationships at all. It's my opinion that people have far too many insecurities. Like me, we all have a protective instinct, but humans tend to be much more vulnerable. I've seen them coping in all sorts of ways, and I've watched enough Oprah to know a thing or to. I too have had my "ah-ha" moment.

A few years ago i was taken to Sedona on a vacation visiting family. Christina and i climbed to the top of one of those big red rock vortex's. It was breathtaking. I felt like i was on top of the world. I could see out for miles. Then it hit me. I am who i am. I'm a dog. I love my dogness. I'm doggy, and I like it.

I had a best friend when i was growing up, her name was Nikki. She taught me to catch flies, and although i never quite got the hang of it she was an excellent howler. She was bigger than me, a different breed. Her fur was mostly golden, but her ears and snout had darker fur. She looked like she was part wolf. She was the best. She played with me all day when i was a puppy. She was older though. She had been part of the family for a long time.

The first couple of years we were together were the best. Over time, I could tell her health was deteriorating. Her joints would get soar making it hard for her to stand, and she couldn't run and play with me like she used to. In her final days i stayed close, but not too close. I knew it would hurt to let go. In the days following i didn't have much of a zest for life, or an appetite for that matter. Every morning i woke expecting to run out and play with her, but she was gone.

I knew she was in a happy place and that i would always have her memory. As months went on, i became the "favorite child" as i was the only child. I was doted and favored. It was time to be the dog i came here to be. Christina and I became very close. she played with me everyday, and took me for walks. Years of joyful memories were built.

I had been sensing something was happening. Christina told me she would be going away for a while, and that i had to stay. She told me that i would be happy here, after all it was my home. It was all i knew. She said she had to go. She had to find her human-ness just as i found my dog-ness. I was devastated. I kept telling myself it was a bad dream. I stayed in her room waiting for her to come home for weeks. Eventually, I realized that I had to be the best dog I could be. Maybe if she heard how great i had been, she would come home.

She came home for the holidays. She was happy. I had never seen her like this. She had found her human-ness, but what about me? She promised she would come back for me one day, and that she thought of me everyday. I thought of her everyday too. I knew she would be back. I loved her the best i possibly could every time i saw her, and she loved me just the same.

As years went on, I got used to seeing her only a couple of times a year, and hearing her voice occasionally on the answering machine. I started enjoying the simple pleasures, like barking at cats that lurked around the front yard at night. Besides, Christina's mom had been a great companion. I discovered all sorts of snacks i had never been privy too before, like popcorn. The two of us watched old movies, her on one couch, me on the other. I had nothing to complain about. I admit, i had my moments of frustration and resentment, i even lashed out at another dog once, biting him, hard!

Christina's home again, and i couldn't be happier. I knew she would come back. Those 5 years taught me a lot. It wasn't easy letting go. I hated it. That's the other problem with humans, they don't know when to let go. Just like dogs, sometimes they need more leash than you're willing to give. I had a short leash when i was a puppy. As i grew older, i was trusted more. I was allowed outside without a leash. I never ran away, except for that one time...

Trust is a tricky thing. I swear chasing that dog down the street felt like the right thing to do. Human trust, seems much more complicated. Christina's been missing someone for a while. I know who it is, but i'd rather not say. We talk about her sometimes. I didn't know her that well, but we stayed at her house sometimes. She didn't play with me, but she was nice. Sometimes we would sit on the stoop of the front door in the morning's soaking up the sun, my favorite thing to do in the morning.

I do have one thing in common with people, we are both reactive. When we feel something, when we want something, it's hard to think about anything else. It has taken me years, but it is a trans-formative experience to learn to pause. The stop and acknowledge our emotional reactions. After a while it becomes easier to refrain.

My Buddhist teachers have taught me that everything is based on fear and suffering. We suffer because we don't want to let go. As a dog i don't have many fears, except vacuums. I'm terrified of vacuums. I admit it's a ridiculous fear. As a dog I'm very much aware of my mortality. Humans however, seem to be as terrified with death as i am a vacuum. I like to embrace uncertainty. In one of my favorite books called "When things fall apart" the Buddhist writer talks about being being preoccupied with our self, or someone, or a situation. Humans tend to shut out the rest of life. She says, "it's like being deaf and blind. It's like standing in the middle of a field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. It's like coming upon a tree of singing birds with headphones on."

I was home alone tonight. I caught up on some reading. I don't like being home alone, and I like it much better when Christina reads to me. I've learned that when you do things you love, like reading in my case, I'm not preoccupied with being alone. Life is fleeting, and I'm sad to report I'm more than half way through mine. I'm going to love as much as i can possibly love. I will not judge, unless I sense that someone has ill intentions. I will eat all the popcorn i choose (in moderation of course), and I will spend my days exploring. I will wake up everyday next to someone i love, who loves me. I will appreciate the past, but leave it behind. I will be in the moment, of every moment. I will let go of wanting to hold onto something that will not last. I will feel joy, when i feel joy. I will feel sad, when i am sad. I will feel what should be felt, but i will not die on this hill.

I have dreams of going to Ireland, to run the vast and lush hills of green, chasing sheep, running my little heart out.